I put that in quotations, because being a “nice guy” is a wholly separate concept from being an actual good person. I should know, because for years I was under the misguided impression that I really was a “nice guy”, and I was totally mystified by the fact that girls weren’t exactly lined up out the door to date me. I mean, I was waiting on girls hand and foot, always putting them first, showering them with compliments…where could I have been going wrong?

The thing about being a nice guy is that you legitimately believe that you are being a good human being; that you’re treating these girls like royalty because you’re better than all of those assholes out there that they always pick instead of you, that always treat them like shit. You think you’re some sort of paragon of compassion, and that one day they’ll wake up and realize it should have been you all along!

Guess what, Mister Nice guy: it turns out they never do. And they never will. Because girls are good at picking up on signals, and your whole personality is sending them a million signs a minute that you’re romantically interested. And when you forgo actual flirting for spineless worship and acting like a fucking doormat, they don’t go for it. Turns out women don’t like spineless men.

And then they have to break it to you, and what do you do? You get mad! Of course you do. How could they not give you a chance, after all the nice things you said and did for them! They’re probably going to run off with another asshole, and then they’ll come to you begging for forgiveness. And so you wait, and you get bitter, and you stop talking to them.

The thing about nice guys is that they don’t have a mature sense of morality. They don’t understand what makes a good deed good in the first place. All the supposedly selfless things they said and did were motivated by hope of reciprocity; that one day they’d get something back for all of this kindness, in the form of romance. But of course they never do.

Here’s the thing: A kindness isn’t a kindness if it’s for a selfish motive. You were never being nice: You were being crafty, sneaky and manipulative. Oftentimes, nice guys even try to guilt the girl into choosing between a relationship and nothing. It’s sleazy as hell.

I was a “nice guy” once, and it wasn’t until I stopped the act that I realized what an asshole I’d been. It was shameful like you wouldn’t believe. But understanding where I went wrong helped me to not be such an asshole in the future, and to stop friends from making the same mistake.

“Nice Guys” really do finish last, but it’s because it’s the genuinely good people who finish first.